Dear politicians

Hello! Quick message from your bosses, here. Because we are your bosses. We pay your overinflated wages. We fund the system you have spent years mismanaging. You rule with our consent but seem to have forgotten that consent can be given and also taken away. You have tried to divide us, with your unbalanced application of the law and policies. You do this to make us forget that the only true division in this society is between those who have power (you) and those who must live with the consequences of your decisions (us).

(You) are not like (us.) But we hired you to do one simple job: enact policies that secure the health, security, and future of the people of this country and our children.

Essentially, a few of us got together, conducted a performance review, and well… you have been found wanting. Here are your results:

Conservatives—You were once the party that steadied the ship. Instead, through your own infighting and ineptitude, you have given us five prime ministers in five years. A new leader every time one of you throws a tantrum. Three women, two ethnic minorities—diverse, yes, but not one of them competent. That you now present us with “new plans” after 14 years in power is nothing short of insulting. Your logo is a scribbled-out tree. A self-inflicted erasure. You have made yourselves politically irrelevant. 2/10. Amazingly disappointing.

Labour—You claim to be the “woke” party, yet every time you put forward a leader, it’s a straight white man. While we appreciate the consistency, your hypocrisy is glaring. You frame yourselves as champions of equality, yet your own internal double standards expose you. Worse, you have made a habit of dividing the country by race, religion, and gender while preaching unity. Your policies are reactive, not visionary—you exist only as the alternative to Conservative failure, not as a real solution. Starmer, you have been particularly disappointing, and I will speak to you personally regarding this. 3/10. Slightly better than the Conservatives, but that’s not saying much.

Reform—The party that isn’t really a party, but a business. Hello. I don’t know you well, but I do know Mr. Farage—your owner. Mr. Farage, you are a banker from a line of bankers. Were you, by any chance, a banker in 2008? Just curious. Moving on. You campaigned for Britain to leave the EU while continuing to collect an MEP salary. That makes us question your integrity. You distance yourself from people who genuinely speak up for British children because of optics—yet one of your own, Rupert Lowe, stood up and spoke the truth when others shouted him down. That is exactly the kind of political courage we need. Mr. Farage, you are untrustworthy. Your party is cold, cruel, and obsessed with money. You are gaining support, but that is only due to the incompetence of your opponents. 5/10—but mostly because of Rupert. (Recent events have caused us to redress this. 1/10 Reform, I trust you as much as anyone should trust a political party that is actually a business run by a banker)

Seeing as you are incapable of proposing solutions to the problems, we have created 12 policies, each with 3 solutions to the problems you and your colleagues have allowed to take root in society. The most important of these policies, we present to you here. The 10 demandments. Each one clearly laying out the problems you have caused and the pragmatic, fair solutions that you must implement to fix them.

You can choose to implement them now, or ignore them and be replaced by people who will. It’s really that simple.

Choose wisely.